This is Angus, my black bear Syrian hamster. I love him more than words can describe. Compared to other, bigger pets like dogs and cats he doesn't appear to be that exciting. He spends most of the day asleep and most of the night running, but the time between that, when I can take him out, let him run around in his ball or his run or even just to explore on the bed, those are the times I cherish. He's not hugely sociable, but he puts up with me, he lets me hold him, stroke him, generally be a bit overbearing and in return I feed him and love him and provide a safe and comfortable home that's big enough for him to be comfortable in. We can't really communicate, he doesn't wag his tail or purr at me, but I've learnt the little nuances of his language, I know that when his ear are up he's happy to play, I can tell by the way he spreads himself out on the floor of his cage that he's too hot and I get him some cold water and a mug that's been sitting in the fridge, I also know when he's done with being handled or when he's not in the mood today, he communicates this either by his general mannerisms or a slight nip at me that basically says 'no I'm done' and I respect that. I know people who don't really think small animals like hamsters have huge personalities but even just comparing him to friends' hamsters I can see a personality. I know the bits of his food he likes and dislikes, I know that he can get jumpy depending on whether we've been in the house all day or not, I know that he's a sleepy boy and has been since the day we got him and as a baby he would fall asleep wherever and whenever he stopped for a bit too long (his tunnels, his wheel, his food bowl), I know that when he runs through a maze I've made he won't cheat and just climb over the walls (most of the time). We have different schedules, I let him sleep when he wants and in return he lets me play with him when he is awake. I love hamster ownership. I love small pets. I can't wait until I get my own place and I can give him even more space to live. I love my honorary therapy hamster, he lets me hold him when I'm crying, whether he's aware of what's going on or not. Much like the Neopets I discussed in a previous post, he's helping me with my mental health, he's giving me something to live for, and overall...he's cute as hell.
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Last week I went on a bike ride. It was nice, I met a friend and the friend, myself and my partner sat in a park and chatted and ate snacks and then went and set up a slackline. My first ever time on one! It was fun!! I had a great time, even with the heat and the cycling and generally being far too hot it was a lovely day and I was very happy.
Later that day we ended up in a&e, not for me for once, my partner's sister fell out of her wheelchair and needed checking out. She's fine, some bruising etc, but while there at about 11pm at night I suddenly started getting very itchy. My legs were the worst, I'd been bitten! It was a lot but it was dealable, I could cope. At home later I started getting itchier, it was starting to suck a bit. The next morning I woke up early to go with my sister to Sheffield and that's when the bites got really bad, my right leg was basically covered and a few had sprung up on my left. This wasn't fair! My legs had been covered! I never get bitten! I protect insects as much as I can! And yet, the insects didn't care. My legs were itchy and red and starting to swell a bit, as the day went on it got worse and worse, I bought two different sprays and creams but neither helped. The only thing that gave me a small bit of relief was ice cold cloths on my legs. I'm already rather sensitive to textures and feelings and all that fun stuff, so I was quickly getting overwhelmed, but I was at an important appointment with my sister so I held back, kept calm, focussed on other things as much as possible. And most importantly, I didn't scratch! I was desperate but I worked oh so hard on not scratching. When I got picked up from the train station my partner and his sister were shocked by my legs, they'd been bad in the morning but this was another level! My bites had swollen and were bright red. They'd also spread, some had grown to the size of my (admittedly small) hand. My partner and his sister argued about whether the size was comparable to a grapefruit or a dodgeball. We went to Tesco on the way home, and it was here I couldn't hold it in any longer, there were people everywhere, bright lights, lots of noise and suddenly it all became far too much, I was desperate to just go home and be itchy in the comfort of my own bed. They made me call 111 on the way home as they'd both grown increasingly concerned about the state I was in. I was given an emergency appointment at the closest hospital in a couple hours. I sat in an ice cold bath filled with camomile and it was the most relief I'd felt all day. It was amazing. Until I had to get out, get back in the car and drive over. I was prescribed antibiotics, my bites that I'd gotten only the day before were infected and spreading even more. I was the weirdo walking around Tesco late at night with sharpie all over my legs circling horribly red bites that had already escaped the confines of their tracking circles, I picked up my prescription and was not happy when I read the instructions 'To be taken on an empty stomach, one hour before food or two hours after, four to be taken a day' I was hungry and would be for a few days. When you've got these restrictions snacking isn't really the best idea. For a few days it didn't get any better, the itching got worse, the heat emanating from the bites got worse, and they were still growing! One in particular had grown to encompass about half the circumference of my thigh, maybe about basketball (or watermelon) sized. I saw the GP who told me that basically, I'm incredibly unlucky. Turns out that whatever the mystery insect that did this is, I'm allergic to it, oh AND they're infected. Try some different antihistamines because the one's I was taking weren't working, stick on the antibiotics and um...get better soon? They're still itchy, and my compulsion to scratch has gotten too much at times and I've accidentally made them bleed a few times. There are two on a tattoo on my leg that have permanently damaged a bit of the tattoo, I'm not happy about that at all. And now, I still don't want to hurt any bugs or insects or bees or flies or any of the tiny things that might come near me and try and bite or sting me. I just request that they don't. 36 was the final count for bites if you're wondering by the way. 36. And that was my week, I'm still red and splotchy in plenty of places and I'll probably have a few scars from the places I just HAD to scratch. My tattoo might be a bit less perfect. But hey, I'm alive! I have a slightly boring hobby. I go to supermarkets in the middle of the night with my partner.
We both have major anxiety and going outside at all can be a struggle, driving to the supermarket in the middle of the night fulfills our social duties while meaning we don't have to socialise at all, it's kinda ideal. We wander the aisles, finding reduced items, sale items, general things we don't need or snacks to keep us going over the next few days until the car (my partner's sister's that she allows him to borrow sometimes) is available to us again and we can repeat the process. Supermarkets are a strange place in the middle of the night, occupied only by people who work late, picking a ready meal up on their way home, staff members tirelessly stacking shelves and sharing banter because it's the middle of the night and no manager is going to tell anyone off for that. And then there's us. There's something comforting to me about the wide, empty aisles scattered with empty cardboard boxes and the neon lights of the supermarket. I feel at home wandering the shop with no particular goal in mind, I'm broke, I can't really buy anything but I can still look. The artificial light, after I've been inside all day hiding from the sun is a strange experience, in winter especially when my depression naps can mean I miss any sunlight at all can sometimes lead to feelings of unreality. But I quite like it. Sometimes I find a gem of a reduced item, hair dye reduced from £7 to £1 because the box is slightly smushed, a multi-pack of crisps for 30p because there's one missing, a can of cider with a couple dents in the side but still perfectly drinkable. I like these things, I feel a strange affinity to these things, broken and battered but still perfectly usable. Passed off as something no-one would really want unless the cost is reduced, but still maintains its purpose. I recognise that notion of something being tossed aside because maybe it's not quite so aesthetically pleasing, or it's missing something, because it's something I do to myself. I love late-night supermarket shops, I hate Sunday when I can't because they close early. Everyone should try wandering through a 24 supermarket in the middle of the night at some point soon, maybe you won't come out with anything good, but you'll hopefully have a nice time. Hey Guys and Welcome To My Essay: How YouTube Has Changed The Relationship Between Fan and Celebrity18/6/2018 Video Essay Starting in 2012, and reaching its peak in 2014, a barrage of scandals rocked the YouTube community. One after another, YouTube celebrities were being accused of emotionally and sexually abusing viewers, particularly young fans. The situation raised questions about the relationship between fan and creator, as well as the responsibility held by said creators in a community comprised mostly of teenage girls. The first scandal to come to light was musician and vlogger Mike Lombardo who was arrested in 2012 for child pornography charges after encouraging young fans ‘to send him explicit photos and videos of themselves masturbating.’ (Romana, Jaworski and Votta, 2014) and in 2014, just as more allegations were coming to light about other YouTubers, he was sentenced to five years in prison for receiving child pornography (The Smoking Gun, 2014). After that more and more young girls came out with accusations of abuse about YouTubers. The whole saga raised many questions about the accessibility of YouTubers to their fans: If a fan is so able to communicate directly with someone they admire then surely there is a risk of a ‘celebrity’ abusing this power. I’ve created a video essay to go along with this essay that explores these themes in more context, a link to which is available below (1). Following on from other successful audience research such as in Hunting the Dark Knight (Brooker, 2012), I created an online survey to get an idea of people’s relationships to YouTubers (2). Of my respondents, 79% answered yes to whether they watched YouTubers, and an additional 11% responded that they used to, but don’t any more. 71% of the respondents identified as female. The age of those who responded yes averaged out to 22, the youngest respondent was 9, definitely raising questions about the accessibility of YouTube to younger people and how YouTubers can take advantage of this. A large number said they simply watched for entertainment or information, but others gave more involved responses. Some interesting answers I received included: ‘Watching them can be a relaxing break from reality’ and ‘Because sometimes living vicariously through YTers [sic] is much more exciting than my real life’ (3). These responses imply that some fans use YouTube as an escape from reality. Other responses that indicated fans like to keep ‘up to date’ with the lives of these YouTubers also implying an assumed relationship between themselves and the YouTuber. I also asked whether people felt closer to YouTubers than other, more traditional celebrities. 58% said they felt closer to YouTubers than traditional celebrities. When asked why, I received a variety of answers including people feeling like YouTubers disclose more of their personal lives, that they are more accessible to fans and that they seem more willing to be their ‘true’ selves on camera than traditional celebrities (A full list of responses is available below (4)). A lot of people I asked commented on the accessibility of YouTubers and the fact that they are easy to contact. They hold meet-ups and attend conventions such as VidCon, a US convention set up by John and Hank Green, also known as the Vlogbrothers, in 2010. VidCon provided a place for creators and fans to meet, perform and network. It also apparently provided a place for older YouTubers to prey on younger fans. Tom Milsom, a formerly popular British musician and YouTuber, met a fourteen-year-old fan at Vidcon and invited her backstage. A year later, they started dating. In 2014, after the relationship had ended, she came out with allegations of abuse relating to her relationship with Milsom. She called him out on the abusive nature of the relationship as well as being manipulative and taking advantage of her. She published a post on her Tumblr detailing these allegations (her original blog has since been deleted, one blog dedicated to documenting the posts calling out abuse in the community still has the original posts archived and unedited) (,.reblogging posts............, 2014). The accusations against Milsom inspired more people to come out with their own stories of abuse within the YouTube community. The majority of statements came from fans who had been manipulated or abused by a YouTuber they had once looked up to. Which raises the point that even without the knowledge that a lot of these fans were underage, these YouTubers held a position of power over the fan in question, and as such they were surely more able to coerce the fan to do things that they may have found uncomfortable. The girl who brought the Tom Milsom accusations to light referred to this in a separate post; ‘the inherent imbalance of power, due not only to age but a creator/viewer relationship, should be an immediate red flag for everyone’ (,.reblogging posts............, 2014). I think one of the issues, and what made it so easy for the YouTubers perpetrating this abuse, was the idolisation of celebrity, specifically YouTubers. In my research I found that many people felt closer to YouTubers than traditional celebrities, this was partly due to the apparent openness of YouTubers and the fact that they supposedly allow the viewer to see more of their lives. However, this ‘worship’ is dangerous. In his article for Celebrity Studies, Daniel R. Smith discusses the use of the phrase ‘Imagining others more complexly’ within the Youtube community, a phrase coined by author and vlogger John Green: ‘As such, certain YouTubers utilise the discourses surrounding [Imagining Others More Complexly] as a form of position-taking, in Bourdieu’s sense, to promote a vision of the YouTube celebrity field as a democratic and egalitarian as well as seeing YouTube celebrity as ‘not celebrity like’ (in a sense which implies irrational of damaging worship)’ (Smith, 2016). A common thread I have found when reading, or listening to the accounts of the victims of this abuse, is the thought that they should have felt lucky: a person they idolised, a person many others idolised, had chosen them and they should enjoy the attention from the celebrity while they can. The term ‘parasocial’ refers to a one-sided relationship, usually between the viewer and the image (Turner, 2004), ‘Parasocial relationships arise when individuals are repeatedly exposed to a media persona, and the individuals develop a sense of intimacy, perceived friendship, and identification with the celebrity (Chung and Cho, 2017). YouTubers are unique in the media in that their relationships with fans don’t appear, at least on the surface, to be one-sided. YouTubers build a strong relationship with their fans through their videos. They speak directly to the audience looking straight down the camera lens, usually in their bedroom which is regarded as a relatively private place, they create videos with their friends and family and welcome the viewer into their lives. An illusion of intimacy (Schickel, 2000) is created by the YouTuber to draw the viewer in and keep them there. The ‘creator/audience divide’ (Neafcy, 2014) is not always apparent, and the YouTuber likes to keep it that way, ‘Key to a vlogger's success is the trust they build with their audience.’ (Harvey, 2013). A word often used when describing YouTubers and their fans is ‘community’, a phrase that ‘conjures an image of people rather than institutions’ (Thumim, 2015). This is important to note; a viewer is part of the same community as the creator, and so could be taken as a friend. This idea of a community, also comes from the fans themselves becoming creators. With a platform like YouTube, it is easy for anyone with a computer and internet connection to start their own channel and maybe become ‘internet famous’. With a few exceptions, YouTubers generally began as ‘regular’ people. The fame that comes with being a ‘traditional’ celebrity is generally thought of as almost magical, ‘traditional’ celebrities have an almost other-ness that seems unattainable to the general public, ‘those who consume and invest in celebrity tend to describe it as an innate ‘natural’ quality which is possessed only by some extraordinary individuals’ (Turner, 2004). YouTube celebrities appear more like ‘real people’ who have stumbled across fame: ‘Being ordinary, authentic or ‘real’ is a dominant rhetorical device of fame that has increasingly found its logical point of reference in the onscreen and online antics of extraordinary and ordinary people supposedly just being themselves’ (Redmond, 2006). A part of this is the lack of management, at least on the surface, of YouTubers. While it is common knowledge that someone like Kim Kardashian has a team of publicists, managers and stylists who construct the image we see in public, a YouTuber is regarded as their own force. In Understanding Celebrity Turner discusses Princess Diana and the way in which her media presence was constructed, and her death breaking down this management, making the event far more real to the public, which explains the mass outpouring of grief afterwards (2004). For a YouTuber, it is implied that the scripting, filming, editing, styling even, is all their own, and though many do have publicists and agents, they still do the work on the actual videos themselves. And many YouTubers have dabbled in the world of ‘traditional’ media. Zoe Sugg (also known as Zoella) featured on the celebrity edition of The Great British Bake Off, Grace Helbig had her own talk show on E! called The Grace Helbig Show featuring high-profile guests such as Hilary Duff and Dwayne Johnson, as well as her YouTube counterparts, and Flula Borg featured in the film Pitch Perfect 2. There are many more examples: Netflix series, DVDs, online films, radio shows, reality shows, etc. But YouTubers, no matter how famous they may get in the ‘traditional’ world of media, always return to YouTube, as if they do not want to turn their backs on what got them there in the first place. ‘To be a fan...is to attempt to live vicariously, through the perceived lives of the famous’ (Jenson, 1992), this is a part of the appeal of a YouTuber. It is easy for a fan to live vicariously through them considering the openness of their lives. Popular tropes like ‘home tours’, ‘what’s in my bag?’ and ‘get ready with me’ videos give the viewer an insight into their lives, viewers are shown parts of their lives that generally, only friends or family would see. Viewers are talked to in a personal way, usually in a personal space, the YouTuber is directly addressing them in a way traditional celebrities don’t. It is an idea that harks back to MTV’s Cribs, a show that let the ‘ordinary’ person into the extraordinary world of a celebrity. The difference being, the lives of those shown in Cribs is that of the ‘other’ of the successful, ‘“Cribs” presents these celebrities and their households as exemplars of “making it.”’ (Smith and Beal, 2007). However, while the celebrities shown on Cribs generally displayed top-of-the-line products and decor that the viewer could only image affording, YouTubers appear more down-to-Earth in their choices, showing off more achievable goals in Primark hauls, or products from other low cost high-street stores. YouTubers also let fans in on aspects of their lives that ‘traditional’ celebrities prefer to keep quiet. Rose Ellen Dix and Rosie Spaughton (also known as Rose and Rosie) filmed their engagement (Dix, 2014) and wedding (Dix, 2015) and uploaded them to YouTube, letting fans in on what would otherwise be a personal day. Charles Trippy (also known as CTFxC) uploaded footage of himself undergoing brain surgery (Trippy, 2013). Quoted in Vlogumentary (Testa, 2016), Trippy explains this decision: ‘we had a responsibility to those people who had become our family, even though we had never met before…bringing that camera with you is like bringing all these friends with you. they’re rooting you on, they’re supporting you’ (Testa, 2016). And these are not outliers, many YouTubers record and upload private days like weddings, births, even memorial services, as with Caleb Bratayley, the son in a family of vloggers who passed away in 2015. A video featuring clips of him from only days before he died was uploaded posthumously, as well as his memorial service which was streamed live on Periscope and Facebook (Parkinson, 2015). In the past, a popular video for YouTubers was ‘Draw My Life’ in which they would tell the story of their life through narration and drawings. It was through this that YouTubers revealed private parts of their history, yet again, letting the fan see even deeper into their life. It’s also not unusual for a YouTuber to introduce their family into vlogs. Louise Pentland (also known as Sprinkleofglitter), for example, is well known for her daughter’s appearances in videos, as well as the countless family vloggers like the ‘Shaytards’ and the Saccone-Jolys who introduce the world to their families through daily vlogs. Viewers watch relationships develop, children grow up, the mundanes and the ups and downs of family life. All these things give the fan an insight into the lives of those they admire, almost as if the YouTuber is letting them in on a personal level. A surrogate relationship is built between the fan and the celebrity: ‘fame culture offers ‘ordinary’ and ‘extraordinary’ people the chance of a heightened level of intimacy’ (Redmond, 2006). ‘Opportunities for interactions with celebrities in the past were rare and carefully controlled by celebrities for publicity and promotion purposes. However, social media have changed this one-sided relationship to a more interactive and reciprocal one.’ (Chung and Cho, 2017). Anyone can tweet at, or comment on an Instagram post of celebrities, both in the world of traditional media and the new, emerging talent coming from social media itself. And the difference is, YouTubers reply. Grace Helbig’s videos of ‘commenting on comments’ which take fans interactions with her and replies directly. Of the people I surveyed who said they watched YouTubers, 100% of them said they followed YouTubers on some form of social media. 33% said that they had attempted to talk directly to YouTubers through social media or YouTube (2). Popular YouTuber Zoe Sugg (also known as Zoella), currently as 7.97 million Twitter followers (Twitter.com, n.d) and 10.8 million on Instagram (Instagram.com, n.d.). She posts on both regularly and uses them as platforms to not only promote herself, and as a means of communicating directly to fans, but also as way of posting not-so-subtle advertisements for her own brand (Twitter.com, n.d) and others (Instagram.com, 2017). This accessibility of YouTubers could be seen in two lights, positive and negative. On the positive side, it’s a whole new world of fan interaction, fans are more able to directly talk to those they admire and idolise. But on the other hand, it also gives the celebrity easier access to the fan. Through the connections YouTubers create with their viewers, they create a bond with the viewer through methods discussed above. ‘These new media environments have narrowed the distance between audiences and celebrities and have altered the role of audiences from that or mere spectators or admirers to “friends” of celebrities’ (Chung and Cho, 2017), YouTube celebrities especially are often viewed as ‘friends’ of the viewer, and talked to as such. It would appear then, that this is what made the abuse perpetrated by select YouTubers so easy, fans would already see themselves as friends, but still idolised the celebrity, which is a dangerous combination. It should be noted though that celebrities taking advantage of their fans is in no way a new occurrence and is not a phenomenon that came with YouTube celebrities. In 2012, after his death, abuse allegations against TV personality Jimmy Savile began. Leading to Operation Yewtree, an investigation launched which considered the allegations of sexual abuse by Jimmy Savile as well as other TV and radio personalities (Grierson, 2015). In Hammer of the Gods, Stephen Davis accounts fourteen-year-old Lori Maddox’s encounters with Jimmy Page, quoting her as saying ‘Of course I really liked him, but I was afraid of him. I was only fourteen, and this was a much older man.’ (Davis, 2008). Celebrities abusing their power over fans is not a new phenomenon, but the relationships created by these YouTubers between themselves and fans, whether real or not, gave them an added power over their fans, if someone already thinks of you as friend, while still idolising you, it would not be difficult to abuse that power. There is a definite power imbalance within the relationship, and it is something that should be considered when thinking about relationships between fan and celebrity. Lauren Rochford, 2017 Final year university project. This is Angus, my black bear Syrian hamster. I love him more than words can describe. Compared to other, bigger pets like dogs and cats he doesn't appear to be that exciting. He spends most of the day asleep and most of the night running, but the time between that, when I can take him out, let him run around in his ball or his run or even just to explore on the bed, those are the times I cherish. He's not hugely sociable, but he puts up with me, he lets me hold him, stroke him, generally be a bit overbearing and in return I feed him and love him and provide a safe and comfortable home that's big enough for him to be comfortable in. We can't really communicate, he doesn't wag his tail or purr at me, but I've learnt the little nuances of his language, I know that when his ear are up he's happy to play, I can tell by the way he spreads himself out on the floor of his cage that he's too hot and I get him some cold water and a mug that's been sitting in the fridge, I also know when he's done with being handled or when he's not in the mood today, he communicates this either by his general mannerisms or a slight nip at me that basically says 'no I'm done' and I respect that. I know people who don't really think small animals like hamsters have huge personalities but even just comparing him to friends' hamsters I can see a personality. I know the bits of his food he likes and dislikes, I know that he can get jumpy depending on whether we've been in the house all day or not, I know that he's a sleepy boy and has been since the day we got him and as a baby he would fall asleep wherever and whenever he stopped for a bit too long (his tunnels, his wheel, his food bowl), I know that when he runs through a maze I've made he won't cheat and just climb over the walls (most of the time). We have different schedules, I let him sleep when he wants and in return he lets me play with him when he is awake. I love hamster ownership. I love small pets. I can't wait until I get my own place and I can give him even more space to live. I love my honorary therapy hamster, he lets me hold him when I'm crying, whether he's aware of what's going on or not. Much like the Neopets I discussed in a previous post, he's helping me with my mental health, he's giving me something to live for, and overall...he's cute as hell. Lauren Rochford 12/06/18 I love my fiancé, this is something that should go without saying.
Here's an incomplete (very much so) list of things he's said to me that maybe should have been left unsaid:
Basically, he says lots of silly things to and around me and I love him both because and despite of this. These silly quotes I've been compiling because when nothing else can cheer me up, and he's not on hand to help, I can look at them and it's pretty much like having him there with me. Lol Rochford 11/06/18 A couple of weeks ago I rediscovered a website that as a child I (and many others) was obsessed with, it's a website synonymous with childhood for a certain generation and honestly, I was surprised that not only was it still a functioning, regularly updated website but that the community on it was still thriving. I'm talking about Neopets. I made a new Neopets profile, aged 23. I'm unemployed, clinically depressed and dealing with a lot of shit at the moment and I made a new Neopets profile, and honestly? it's helping more than you'd think. All of a sudden I have something to dedicate myself to, as silly as it is. And not only has it given me some slim semblance of purpose again, it's making me so fucking happy to have something I have such fond memories of back in my life. It's like having a childhood friend reappear in my life, Neopets helped me get through what I felt were the toughest times as a child and now, in my time of need, it has reappeared again like a badly coded superhero. This is Courtney, she's a JubJub, she's named after Courtney Barnett and is the newest of my pets, I love her. She doesn't do anything, occasionally a message pops up and she'll ask to go to the Battledome or on a 'Tiki Tour', I feed her and let her play with toys and read books, there are no accompanying animations to go along with any of these things, just a text response, 'Thanks, I was really bored!' is the reply I get when I give her a toy to play with or 'My friends are going to be so jealous!' to which I can't help thinking that you don't have friends Courtney, you're just an image on my screen but thanks for the effort. Neopets still has all the games I remember, the areas I used to explore. It still seems to load at the same speed as when I was using it through dial-up but I can't seem to stop. It's making me happy, and that's something I don't necessarily get much of these days. In a life where everything and anything can become stressful at the drop of a hat, Neopets is a constant, and it's a positive thing. Even when I lose a game or am tricked out of money in the Abandoned Fairground it's still something relatively chill compared to my real life, and honestly, that's just what you need sometimes. And my re-discovery of Neopets has led to me remembering all the other things I went to as a child for joy, from the LetterLand books to the Bear in the Big Blue House PC game and even, to this blog, it's been a long time since I sat down and wrote something out just for me, not for Uni, not for work, just me. And that's rather wonderful. So here's my suggestion to everyone, have a think about your childhood, think about the things during it that brought you joy even in the darkest of times. And hopefully, when you need it, you'll rediscover it and it'll help you now, as much as it did then. Lol Rochford 11/06/18 |